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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Mach1 Driver said:
This literally just happened. My wife is very quick witted. I brought the mail in and one of the packages was addressed to her. I use her Amazon account, so everything coming from there is addressed to her. She opened the box, studied it for a moment and closed the lid so I couldn't see inside. She opened it again, took another look, closed it, and asked if I ordered pasties? By now she was grinning, and handed me the box.
It was 3" roloc 180 grit sanding discs. She didn't know what they were, but knew they didn't belong to her.
Click to expand...
This joke is a lot funnier in the USA. in OZ a pastie is a mince and vegetable mix in pastry. Very confusing till i worked out the stick on nipple cover
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 
Three Aussie blokes are working up on an outback mobile phone tower, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
 
A man is in court. The Judges says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
 
A married couple were walking through a garden, when suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them. The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away. The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But his wife shouted. "I've seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, but this is the first time I’ve seen someone trying to throw his wife at a dog!"

Moral: No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife.
 
Man wakes up after his operation to see the surgeon standing by his bed.
The surgeon asks the man if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man says ok give me the bad news first.
Surgeon says I'm very sorry but we couldn't save the leg.
Man replies oh no...so what's the good news?
Surgeon said, the man in the next bed said he'll buy your slippers from you.
 
Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook, depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fast food. If they continue with these sanctions the Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
 
My wife complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work.

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office.
 
Paddy: “Hey Murphy,
I heard you were arrested for
annoying your neighbors by playing
endless Engelbert Humperdinck songs.
What happened?”

Murphy: “Police released me.
Let me go…”
 
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