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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The wife and I were watching a movie the other night and she fell asleep ! Flat out she was , I didn’t have the heart to wake her up .
I did however have to drive back to the cinema to pick her up the next day!!..
 
Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, Dad, did I get it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock
 
Frank drives his Ferrari and offers a tow to another driver, Brian, whose crappy old VW Beetle broke down on the highway. They start out all right but soon a Lamborghini pulls up next to the Ferrari baiting for a race. Frank loses his cool, forgets about Brian and pushes pedal to the metal. As they weave between cars, Brian is honking franticly for Frank to slow down, but he doesn't hear him due to his rage and the loud rear motor of his car.

Soon a state trooper spots them, starts a pursuit, and calls in to dispatch: "Send everyone, I've never seen anything like this, a Ferrari and Lambo are racing down south on I-95 doing 98 mph and a beat-down Beetle is honking at them because they ain't letting him to overtake!"
 
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!​

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
 
A rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.
 
I woke up in the emergency room this afternoon with no idea how I got there. The doctor asked me what the last thing I remembered was. I told him I had visited my lawyer earlier today and stepped in the elevator after I was done. A woman with huge breasts and a low cut tank top got in with me. I really couldn't help but stare at them and then she asked if I'd please press one.
 
Crabs on the Plane
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
 
Money's a bit tight, so my wife said I'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...
 
Playing Along
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on my AirPods.
 
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