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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if she can get a breast augmentation.
Tit for tat you could say.
 
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Jacques Chirac, the then French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the Pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begora!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface -to -air-missille sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and St.Joseph!", said Paddy, "Ill have to ring you back" Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that", said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well", said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
 
I miss the time I was working at the zoo.

My boss fired me just because I left the lion's gate open. I mean who would steal a lion?
 
Thanks everyone for your concern.

First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 4."
 
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

"Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognise signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams.

You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Arabic or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for "New Start."

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me......

I CAN'T wear a necklace with a little cross, mention God, or say "Merry Christmas" because someone might take offence? " Well, you know what you can do with your job........

fd
 
I was watching that movie Mad Max,You know that movie where petrol/gas is so rare that people are killing each other for a few litres of it? It was set in the future......
I believe it was June.
 
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Pennsylvania state trooper walked over to her car window flipping his ticket book open. She said “I bet you’re going to give me a ticket to the Pennsylvania troopers ball?”. He replied “Pennsylvania State troopers don’t have balls.” There was an awkward moment of silence which point he closed his closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
 
Got chatting to a real stunner of a girl in the pub. We discussed the Ukraine situation and what Putin might do if Europe intervened.

I said he would probably nuke us and we'd only have 20 minutes warning.

She asked me what I would do if that happened.

I answered, "Shag the axx off of anything that moved. What about you?"

She replied, "Stand very, very, still"
 
Vladimir Putin, to get some good PR, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did we take Crimea and why are we sending troops to Ukraine?” Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit down and there is time for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did we invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to Ukraine, why did the lunch bell ring 20 minutes early, and where the F#@k is Sasha?”
 
More Time to Live

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, and brighten her teeth!
Crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?” Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied: “I didn’t recognize you!”
 
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
 
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