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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.'
 
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of shit, he began to realize how warm he was.
The shit was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!!.
 
I just got done watching a show with unlikable characters, bullshit plot developments, and a depressing ending.

It's called "The News."
 
A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness; private health cover!!”
 
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs $3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-conditioning unit costing $2,300, watching the latest film on a 80" smart TV that costs $4,000!!

Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at the shopping center who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day......
 
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie!"
 
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint...
 
Lots of truth here.
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I have to admire my wife's stamina in the bedroom. She's sweating, panting and gasping for breath, but she doesn't want to stop,
16 hours now she's been putting that Ikea wardrobe together!!..
 
Aussie67 said:
I have to admire my wife's stamina in the bedroom. She's sweating, panting and gasping for breath, but she doesn't want to stop,
16 hours now she's been putting that Ikea wardrobe together!!..
Click to expand...
I glanced at a large factory as we drove past yesterday, that I thought said Ikea, and I was wondering why they needed an assembly plant for Ikea when it finally dawned on me that it was spelled wrong...it was Kia.
 
Mach1 Driver said:
I glanced at a large factory as we drove past yesterday, that I thought said Ikea, and I was wondering why they needed an assembly plant for Ikea when it finally dawned on me that it was spelled wrong...it was Kia.
Click to expand...
And I cannot get past the acronym of kia. Hint MIA is missing in action.

fd
 
A young journalist graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the backcountry farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it. said the reporter, Is there another event that made you really happy? Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy. Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, there any event in your life that has made you really sad? Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, Well, I got lost once.

fd
 
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