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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

When I was a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.
Then I got Facebook!!
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As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ...... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
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Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate!"
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I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
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A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s.
The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"
The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.
It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
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I just burned 1200 calories.
I forgot the pizza in the oven.
 
No rooms available in the city
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed.

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

fd
 
If we are starting the pumpkin spice already then make sure to use the correct oil for your next change. ;)

1664432398573.jpeg

fd
 
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.​

Good Luck
Tech Support
 
A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital. He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.
 
Last night I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner and the waiter asked for my ID. I replied do I look that young. The waiter replied no I just want to see if you qualify for the senior citizen discount.
 
A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter. The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter. He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful, I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said Murphy, 'the others wanted to acquit you'.
 
A manager of a failing branch of one company has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost. As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary and Jack. He spends hours looking back at the last five years these two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same month, have identical education and work experience. They are also both crucial to his team. It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he will have to fire the first one he sees at the water cooler the next morning.
He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for the water cooler.
He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.
 
A man who was heavily pissed walked up to a woman who was sat at the bar and gave her a kiss. She turned round and began slapping him vigorously round the face. He took a step back and slowly began to focus, ' I'm sorry but I thought you were my wife, ' he said. ' Who would marry a useless drunken arsehole like you, ' the woman screamed. ' That's funny, ' replied the man, ' you sound just like her as well.!!
 
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