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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Business had been terrible and was not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said. "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" She replied. "I feel like *sh**. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

I had to let Jack go.
 
This Friday and Saturday. We will start early. I will be holding a FREE snow shoveling class in my driveway. Come join the class and learn the proper ways to shovel. Reviewed techniques will include the scoop and throw method (AKA the plow technique), as well as the upside down scraping technique.

Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity to enhance your snow lifting techniques without throwing your back out!

I will provide the driveway to ensure your training is conducted in the most life like situation, I only ask that you bring your own shovel (ergonomic designs suggested). Seating is limited and handled on a first come first served basis…subject to date change depending on total accumulation.
 
A radio show had a phone-in asking the question ‘Who wears the trousers in your household?’

A man rang in and said: “25 years ago, on our wedding day, my wife said to me that she would make all the small decisions and I would make all the big decisions”.
The presenter asked him how well it had worked. The caller said “To be honest, I don’t know. Apparently in 25 years there haven’t been any decisions big enough for me to make yet”.
 
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
 
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”

BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.

Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”

BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.

While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.”

The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation.

The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”

BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.

Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered

“Too bad you had me neutered.”

fd
 
Aussie67 said:
This Friday and Saturday. We will start early. I will be holding a FREE snow shoveling class in my driveway. Come join the class and learn the proper ways to shovel. Reviewed techniques will include the scoop and throw method (AKA the plow technique), as well as the upside down scraping technique.

Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity to enhance your snow lifting techniques without throwing your back out!

I will provide the driveway to ensure your training is conducted in the most life like situation, I only ask that you bring your own shovel (ergonomic designs suggested). Seating is limited and handled on a first come first served basis…subject to date change depending on total accumulation.
Click to expand...
Brilliant! I need to try this.

I've got 3 foot snow drifts in my driveway right now.

Sent from my motorola one 5G using Tapatalk
 
RapidRabbit said:
What brand is that?

I supposed I could stick that on my jeep. Back it in the garage and push it straight out into the neighbors yard.

Sent from my motorola one 5G using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
Snowsport or Rediplow. Same thing, different supplier. You can use it without the winch, but I found using it on gravel, the winch works a bit better.
 
Last night it snowed
❄️


8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - My feminist neighbour asked me why I had not made a snow woman.
8:15 – I gave my snowman a sex change.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour then complained about my snow woman's large bosom saying that it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The lesbian couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and said that I should have made two snow women, so I made my snow woman a partner.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow individual with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses, as vegetables are food and not to be wasted to decorate snow figures.
8:28 – Black Lives Matter turned up and called me a racist because the snow couple were both white.
8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour to be more racially inclusive.
8:37 – I was then accused of the even worse offense of applying black-face to a white individual.
8:39 - The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow women be dressed in burkas for the sake of their modesty.
8:40 - The police arrived and read out the list of complaints that had been made against me.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour returned to complain that the broom that the snow woman was holding should be removed because it depicted women in a purely domestic role.
8:43 - The local council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 – A TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow women. Jokingly, I replied, "Snowballs". The female news reporter denounced me as a sexist pig.
9:00 - I was on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 – The police asked if I had any accomplices. My children were then taken into care by Social Services.
9:29 – Far-left protesters, offended by everything I’d done, marched down the street demanding my arrest for hate crimes.
9:45 – By now the story was all over social media. My boss called and fired me because of the negative association with his company.
10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a bloody snowman.

Don't Laugh! This is what the world is coming too.......

Happy Holidays
 
A gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...

"Just ram me up the ass why don't you" she shouted...

...And that your Honour is where the confusion began. ..
 
A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "

The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."
The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."

Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman burst in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor."​

I put drops in her eyes.
 
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test", I said.

She slowly started unzipping my pants!
 
Ordering a Pizza in 2023

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at the drug store, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future....................
 
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.
They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did say that."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'because there's someone either coming' or going'!"
 
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