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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

I went in for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who can be responsible".
"Well I'm your guy!" I replied,
The manager said "Why's that then?"
I smiled and said "At my old job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was always responsible."
 
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about all the workers in the brewery and their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

So I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
 
My friend ,Dave, said the landlord at his local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween.
"Last year my wife won it", he went on to tell me," and she only came to pick me up".
 
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mummy knows supper is ready!"
 
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered the E.R. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn"
 
They say that mafia members are nasty people, but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
Three men die on Xmas Eve. To get into heaven St Peter says you must have something on you that represents Xmas.
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says it's a candle, St Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman jingles his keys and says they're sleigh bells, St Peter lets him pass.
The Irishman pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says how the hell do they represent Xmas?.
Paddy says "they're Carols".
 
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a local store. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Last night I bought something from this store and I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the same store and asked if I could get a refund.

The cashier told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead, again she told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me straight to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
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No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr...
I'll tell you what... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.
 
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed." The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A few minutes later, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed "Halt! Don’t cross the street now". An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel." replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me".
"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"
 
LANGUAGE WARNING ON THIS ONE

12 Days of Christmas

December 14th

Dearest John,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th

Dearest John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes
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December 16th

Dear John,

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist....you're just too kind.

Love Agnes
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December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th

Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes
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December 19th

Dear John,

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th

John

What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY....... So stop with the fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag
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December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours.

From Ag
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December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag
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December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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25 December

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Lew Taeker, Partner
Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
 
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked.
"John" the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Hmm...Okay, ...Well John, perhaps it is time we changed our policy...."
 
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
 
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