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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Get this…” said a guy to his friends “Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything?” his buddies asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.
 
I went to a party last night. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots…

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way, but since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise since I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Unknown Author

fd
 
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an ass***. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a shit**** is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
 
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Today, I was offered "a good time" by a smoking hot, 21 year old brunette.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course, I said "no" as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super efficient bathroom cleaner.
Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
 
Dorothy & Edna, two senior widows are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, but I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.. He shows up at my house punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers ! Then he takes me downstairs & theres a limousine.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, & after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment & he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress & has his way with me !

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious ! So you are telling me I shouldn't go ?"

Edna: "No, I'm telling you to wear an old dress
 
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”
 
Two fellas walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”

The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry. “Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me…”
 
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