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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Two immigrants from Haitian arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
fd
 
Murphy lost his eye in an accident. He couldn’t afford a glass eye, so he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Finally, Paddy came over and forced him to go out. “There’s a dance over at the club. So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?” “All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of me wooden eye I’m leaving.” He went to the dance and had a few pints, trying to build up his courage. Then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. Murphy thought, “She’s worse off than me. I’ll ask her to dance and hopefully she will not notice me wooden eye.” He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. “Would you care to dance?” “Would I?!” she exclaimed. “That does it,” he shouted back at her, “Hunchback! Hunchback!”
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh… Killing any yet?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded:

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
 
I just met a good friend of mine, hadn't seen him in years, he told me, "it was because he was living and working in Dubai, then Abu Dhabi."

I said, "I'd never been to either but would like to go someday."

He was telling me that there's a difference between the people of Dubai and those of Abu Dhabi

I asked, "what that was."

He told me:

"The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do."
 
Not gonna donate blood anymore. To many stupid questions, like

Where did you get it,
Whose blood is it,
Why is it in a bucket......
 
A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
 
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....
 
I've just been to the doctor's. I said, "Every morning I get on the computer and start downloading information about all sorts of mental illnesses and then, at night, I delete it all and start again the next morning. It's become an addiction."
The doctor asked, "Do you have any history of mental illness?"
I said, "No, I deleted it last night."
 
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me)

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
 
The IRS office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the Director of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.” "What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?" Good question replied the Director, we save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while they send us a free roll.

Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusal question had a practical answer. But he continued on in his obnoxious way, what about all these plaster purchases? "What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?" Oh, replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

I see replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could corner the Director. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The Director responded, "here too we do not waste.” "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and once a year they send us a complete prick.”
 
I went for a job on the building site.
The gaffer said “Can you make coffee”?
I said “Yes”
He said “Can you drive a forklift”?
I said “How big is the fecking coffee pot”!
 
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days.

The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the poultry store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket? Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket. Put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter, but the boss is skeptical.
“You don’t look strong enough to handle the big trees,” the boss says.
The old man confidently replies, “I can cut down any tree with a single swing.”
To prove it, he steps outside, takes his ax to a five-foot tree, and with one swing, it crashes down. Then he does the same with a ten-foot tree, a thirty-foot tree, and finally an 80-foot redwood. Each tree falls with a single strike.
Amazed, the boss asks, “Where did you learn to cut like that?”
The old man replies, “In the Sahara Forest.”
The boss looks confused. “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
The old man nods and says, “Well, that’s what they call it now.”
 
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