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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Two immigrants from Haitian arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
fd
 
Murphy lost his eye in an accident. He couldn’t afford a glass eye, so he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Finally, Paddy came over and forced him to go out. “There’s a dance over at the club. So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?” “All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of me wooden eye I’m leaving.” He went to the dance and had a few pints, trying to build up his courage. Then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. Murphy thought, “She’s worse off than me. I’ll ask her to dance and hopefully she will not notice me wooden eye.” He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. “Would you care to dance?” “Would I?!” she exclaimed. “That does it,” he shouted back at her, “Hunchback! Hunchback!”
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh… Killing any yet?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded:

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
 
I just met a good friend of mine, hadn't seen him in years, he told me, "it was because he was living and working in Dubai, then Abu Dhabi."

I said, "I'd never been to either but would like to go someday."

He was telling me that there's a difference between the people of Dubai and those of Abu Dhabi

I asked, "what that was."

He told me:

"The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do."
 
Not gonna donate blood anymore. To many stupid questions, like

Where did you get it,
Whose blood is it,
Why is it in a bucket......
 
A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
 
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....
 
I've just been to the doctor's. I said, "Every morning I get on the computer and start downloading information about all sorts of mental illnesses and then, at night, I delete it all and start again the next morning. It's become an addiction."
The doctor asked, "Do you have any history of mental illness?"
I said, "No, I deleted it last night."
 
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