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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read...
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune."
"Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each, oy'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune."
"Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each, oy'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
funkaholik
Member
Tesla finally reveals CyberTruck design inspiration...
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The next time you're feeling down...
just remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times per week, works out twice a day, reads two books a week, and, yet, he still complains about how much he hates prison.
just remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times per week, works out twice a day, reads two books a week, and, yet, he still complains about how much he hates prison.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Forget Ozempic and Mounjaro. I've not long started a new diet.
The whisky diet. It's great. I've lost two weeks already!
The whisky diet. It's great. I've lost two weeks already!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !
JD08
Active Member
Tiger Woods lives in my town. If someone says, "Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station...", nobody thinks it's a joke.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Hey guys, I need some advice. What is the best time to tell my son he’s adopted?
His new family should be here in 20 minutes.
His new family should be here in 20 minutes.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
funkaholik
Member
funkaholik
Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I got stopped by the police last night and the policeman asked if I'd been drinking.
"Don't be daft" I replied, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"
"Don't be daft" I replied, "I can't afford alcohol AND petrol!!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Little Billy gets taken to the zoo one weekend by his parents. As they’re wandering round they come across the elephant enclosure. As they’re watching them the bull elephant starts to get an erection. Billy sees it and tugs at his mother’s sleeve…
“Mum… Mum… what’s that?
“What’s what”? asks his mum.
“That… thing hanging down on the elephant”.
“Oh, that’s his trunk.’ says Mum.
“NO” says Billy, “The OTHER end”.
“Oh… You mean his tail?”
“NOOOOO” says Billy, “Hanging down between his legs”
His mother gets all flustered and stammers “Oh… Oh… Oh it’s nothing Billy”, so Billy turns to his dad and asks the question. “Dad, what’s that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?”
His Dad looks and asks “What did your Mum say it was?”
Billy answers “Oh she said it was nothing, that’s why I’m asking you…”
His Dad looks fondly at his son and says “Yeeeeahhh… That’s the trouble with your mother son… She’s been spoilt”.
“Mum… Mum… what’s that?
“What’s what”? asks his mum.
“That… thing hanging down on the elephant”.
“Oh, that’s his trunk.’ says Mum.
“NO” says Billy, “The OTHER end”.
“Oh… You mean his tail?”
“NOOOOO” says Billy, “Hanging down between his legs”
His mother gets all flustered and stammers “Oh… Oh… Oh it’s nothing Billy”, so Billy turns to his dad and asks the question. “Dad, what’s that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?”
His Dad looks and asks “What did your Mum say it was?”
Billy answers “Oh she said it was nothing, that’s why I’m asking you…”
His Dad looks fondly at his son and says “Yeeeeahhh… That’s the trouble with your mother son… She’s been spoilt”.
funkaholik
Member
funkaholik
Member
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