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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The other night, Helen was invited out for a night with the “girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. “Whew, I got away with that one!” she thought. Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “Oh shit,” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
In a small southern town, there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill, and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said:
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
 
We moved to the Atlanta area to retire- it just didn't make sense to stay in California any longer, for all the usual reasons. On day one in Georgia we were in an elevator at the hotel with one of the cleaning ladies, and I mentioned that I hoped it didn't rain. If you are familiar with SoCal, you know that it doesn't rain much, but Georgia is a whole different ball game. She said, "We'll pray it doesn't". They take their religion seriously here, and I had never heard something like that in my 64 years in California. I'm not sure why you would want to involve God with a minor weather matter (seems like he's busy enough), but she thought it was important to me so she wanted to help me out. Bless her heart (that's another southern expression). The small town folks can have an interesting dialect that you may have to listen to closely to understand.
 
I can’t imagine a reason to ever move to that cesspool. There are so many other places that don’t resemble a war zone!
 
msell66 said:
I can’t imagine a reason to ever move to that cesspool. There are so many other places that don’t resemble a war zone!
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I was born there, and it was very nice until the Dems opened the floodgates and let the illegals in, but don't worry, they will be sending them to your neighborhood as soon as they get back in office.
 
I can see moving Back if’n that’s where you wer born’t. I don’t have to worry about people moving here. No one chooses to move to 4°…no one :D
 
msell66 said:
I can’t imagine a reason to ever move to that cesspool. There are so many other places that don’t resemble a war zone!
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Is Atlanta or California the cesspool? I agree with both, I just want to make sure we're on the same page.

I say that, but I spent the Sunday after Thanksgiving in the Atlanta area. I liked it so much I practically parked on I-75 to enjoy the view.
 
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound It makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card, he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please.

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?

He replies, Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50.

She paid it and left without saying a word
 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra. 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, '

I think I see your problem:

'You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an ass ho*e with a briefcase'
 
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another's life'.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !”
 
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