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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The O’Connell twins bought a second hand Mercedes car and were taking their friend Paddy for a spin. As they sped past the government office buildings in Dublin,

Paddy called out from the back seat, “What’s that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?” Seamus O’Connell, realizing that Paddy meant the Mercedes ornament, decided to have some fun with him. “That’s a target isn’t it, Finbar?” “Oh yes,” Finbar replied, “and a great target it is too.” “Target?” Paddy inquired, “A target for what?”

“Well,” Finbar replied, “It helps to line up politicians and bureaucrats who are crossing the road in pedestrian crossings!” “Never!” spluttered Paddy in disbelief. “’Tis true,” insisted Seamus. “Wait a minute and I’ll show you.” Just then, a briefcase carrying suit started to cross the road ahead of them, so Seamus put his foot down and drove the car straight at him.

At the very last second, he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the man. “See what I mean?” he grinned, turning round to look at Paddy. “Good, eh?” “No good at all,” replied Paddy. “To be sure if I hadn’t opened the back door, we wouldn’t have hit him at all!”​
 
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
 
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FECKIN PORRIDGE YET !!​
 
Typical IT

A Microsoft support technician goes to a firing range. He shoots ten bullets at the target 50m away.

The supervisors check the target and see that there’s not even a single hit. They shout to him that he missed completely.

The technician tells them to recheck and gets the same answer.

The technician then aims the gun at his finger and shoots, blasting it off.

He shouts back: ‘It’s working fine here! The problem must be at your end!’
 
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said “No!” trying to hide his arousal.
She said….. “Check the garage."​
 
Students in a University writing class were told they had to write a short story. It had to be in as few words as possible.

The instructions were: Your short story has to contain three elements:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story that was awarded in the entire class.

“Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?”
 
Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword,

"I'm stuck on 2 down Murphy: flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)

.Murphy replies "ya thick twat, that's easy...frozen chicken
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman "The circus?"
The duck asks again "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
 
O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"
The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'
You wrote - 'Neither do I
 
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sale clerks a 'pep talk'.
"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city.
I said, 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.
My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me she has the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money.
I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week... the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying!"
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a ****?'"​
 
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