funkaholik
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
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funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Ireland. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed on the bar, blue bottles drop into each of the three freshly poured pints.
The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks out the fly.
The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out, you little bastard.”
The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks out the fly.
The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out, you little bastard.”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
At the Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down? "She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What’s the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUC or DROWN"
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down? "She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What’s the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUC or DROWN"
funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Ronald Reagan, Idi Amin and Queen Elizabeth all died and met in hell.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5 dollars.
When Idi Amin and Queen Elizabeth hears this, they both go ballistic and asks the devil why Ronald Reagan got to call USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Idi Amin calls Uganda, Africa and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Idi Amin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million pounds, so she writes him a check.
Finally, Ronald Reagan gets his turn and calls USA and talks for 4 hours.Idi Amin calls Uganda, Africa and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Idi Amin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million pounds, so she writes him a check.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5 dollars.
When Idi Amin and Queen Elizabeth hears this, they both go ballistic and asks the devil why Ronald Reagan got to call USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.