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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt waited for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to reach the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her embarrassment, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
As this was happening, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The woman went ballistic, turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
 
I asked my wife if she'd like a diamond necklace for her birthday.
She said "nothing would make me happier!".....So I got her nothing instead....
 
I got the sack from P.C world today. A man came in an asked what's the best way of finding his ancestors?
A shovel was probably not the right answer!
 
I thought I was listening to a Kate Bush song in the car when I realized that the radio was off and I needed to have my brake pads changed.
 
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity (Aussie style):

1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. watch them slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”
3. Skip down the street, rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling. “Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!”
8. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is!!
 
On a bright sunny day I think, 'beer garden.'

And when it's grey and raining, I love the warmth and coziness of the pub.

If it' snowing nothing beats sitting at home watching a good film with a few bottles of red wine.

I'm beginning to think I have a problem with the weather!!
 
Every time I took a girl home to meet mum she made it very clear she thought the girl wasn’t good enough for me
Sometimes it was the looks, sometimes the interests or sometimes even the sound of her voice.
She made dating very hard
One day I’d had enough and I thought, I’ll find a girl that looks like mum, shares the same interests and even sounds like her
Unbelievably against all odds the next day I found someone exactly like that and made them fall in love with me
So I took her home and guess what!
Dad fucin hates her
 
This is a little old, but still funny answers.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.


SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!


BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.


AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.


JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

fd
 
My heart is broken...from one moment to another things went from joy to pain and sadness. I still don’t get how a wonderful night ended in such a tragedy. Everything was so chill, so normal; we were all laughing, having fun, and suddenly everything changed I can’t stop crying.

I wish this pain on no one...Nobody should go through this ... I can still hear my friend crying in panic “You're gonna drop it , hold it, hold it” I tried but I couldn't do anything ......... I dropped our only bottle of red wine and I couldn't save it!..
 
A man drinks a shot of rum every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She decides her course of action.

So, she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water, and the other with rum. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the rum, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink rum, I won't get worms!"
 
This is a very sad story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, Chinese aggression, Global Warming, BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast.

Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. Gave him a little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.
 
No Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban.
The shepherds have been furloughed.
The Inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.
 
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