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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

I went to see the doctor with a persistent neck problem.
It's agony every time I tilt my neck upwards I explained It's really affecting my lifestyle and quality of life."
In what way? He asked.
I'm struggling to finish my fucing Beer!
 
During all of the isolation time, I decided to take up a few musical instruments. I figure if I'm proficient enough, I can use my talents to make a few extra bucks. So far I've learned banjo, accordion and bag pipes. The offers have already started to pour in. You would be surprised how much people are willing to pay me not to play.
 
Standing in the driveway and I thought
"Gees, when one door opens, another door closes"
Other than that it is a good car.
 
Paddy Came Home Late, Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting them on everywhere he could see blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
Drunk Mistake

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arse!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
 
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130
 
WHY DOGS LIVE LESS THAN HUMANS

Here's the surprising answer of a 6 year old child.
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that dogs' lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.”
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said, ”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued,
”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay for as long as we do.”

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.


Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
• When your loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
• Take naps.
• Stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Be faithful.
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
That's the secret of happiness that we can learn from a good dog.

fd
 
With Christmas fast approaching I was wondering if anybody still believes in Santa?
I remember the day my parents told me Santa didn't exist. I was so upset I got in my car and drove straight to the pub !
 
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130
 
Aussie67 said:
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130
Click to expand...

Look back 4 posts to Saturday.{.}
:rolleyes:
fd
 
Me: My name is Matt and I'm an alcoholic.
AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: I know. I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
 
A man was arrested and taken into court for shooting an endangered and protected bald eagle. The judge said the man would be jailed unless he had a very good excuse. The man said his children hadn’t eaten a decent meal in weeks, so he killed the eagle to feed them. The judge said he’d let the man go with just a warning if he promised to never kill an endangered species again. The man agreed.

As the man was leaving the courtroom, the judge stopped him and asked: “I was just wondering, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

Replied the man: “Well, it tastes like a cross between a California condor and a spotted owl.”
 
Got this today, thought it was great ! Sent to me by a friend not sure where it originally came from. If anyone knows please add a post to give them FULL credit please. I'm not into chain letters, but this is the best reply I've seen. I normally just attach big ass kissing files to the original and send it back ten times, people usually get the HINT !

Quote

Hello, my name is Kori. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f#cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead and an ear growing on her ass will be able to raise enough money to sh*t?

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send this email, $1000? How stupid are you? Oooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking person in the magazine!.

What a load of crap. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to the USA by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

F*ck them.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, f*ck it off by deleting it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Oh, by the way all you idiots out there... NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAILS OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY!!!

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‟Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ‟Where‘s the money?”
Guido signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido‘s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno‘s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, ‟What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ‟He says you don‘t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
 
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