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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A porn star goes into an employment agency looking for a job. He tells the secretary he wants a new line of work.

The agency gives him an interview and then find a job for him as a petrol pump attendant.

A week later the woman at the agency phones the gas station to see how he's getting on.

"He's was great", says the man at the gas station. "He was hardworking and popular with ladies. But we have to let him go because he's got a problem."

"What's that?", says the lady at the employment agency.

"Well, he puts the petrol pump in the tank and starts filling it up, but when it's almost full he would pull the pump out and sprays the petrol all over the windscreen."
 
A warning to all

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my bike in town and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved me past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from!!!!!
DONT DRINK AND DRIVE
 
At one Catholic Church in Nebraska, they have monthly marriage seminars for husbands. At the last session, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend d money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!" The priest responded. "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied. "I gonna go pick her up "
 
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different - 3 years ago I went to Spain and Jane got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Jane got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Jane got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll take her with me.
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickel coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

"But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
 
I get really aroused erasing pencil drawings. In fact, I think I’ll rub one out now.


I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
... She hugged me

How do you get an old lady to say fuck?
Have another one yell “Bingo”

And for Aussie’s bus joke:
I just saw my wife get hit by a bus and thought, “Wow, that could’ve been me!”
But then I remembered, I don’t drive a bus
 
As a kid I used to crawl down the stairs pretending to be spider man
As an adult I crawl up the stairs pretending to be sober
 
If your wife wants something with diamonds for Xmas, get her a deck of cards.


They have finally made an orthopedic bed just for men.
It can be ordered in three firmness levels...."saline, silicone, or natural.
Sizes range from C-DDDD.
Anyone wanting less than a C should just sleep on the floor
 
Merry Christmas!!

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were ill and two others had jumped the fence and were out to Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard and discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
 
Aussie67 said:
Merry Christmas!!

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were ill and two others had jumped the fence and were out to Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard and discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Click to expand...

And here I thought she was there to talk to him about his extended sleigh warranty.

John
 
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f#@king blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
Pick up line overheard at a retirement home, "If Covid don't take you out, I will"

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?
I read that somewhere in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:43 PM last year on Wednesday November 7th.

Thanks Covid! It's been so long since I've had sex, I run around in wet flip flops just to hear what it used to sound like.

Got a chance to read the married women's guide to sex, " Zero fucks given"
 
A woman who was widowed at a very young age was in the store buying groceries one day. And being several months since her husband died, she was feeling a little lonely. She noticed the young boy who was bagging her groceries at the checkout, a strong strapping country boy. And she asked him if he would carry her groceries out to the car for her. On the way out to the car she takes the boy by his arm and whispers in his ear. "I have an itchy pussy." The boy looks her right in they eye and says. "Lady you'll have to point that one out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."
 
I got drunk and chatted up this lady down the pub. "You remind me of Bob Dylan," she said. "What?" I replied, "profound and poetic?" "No," she said, "I can hardly understand a word you are saying."
 
Elderly man stopped by police.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
 
I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
 
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