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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
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Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Looks like my back yard......
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So, he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bastard off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bugger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bastard off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bugger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
69Ravenconv
Member
2020 YEAR IN REVIEW.
Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
For us foreigners; The drop bear (sometimes dropbear), assigned the fictional scientific name Thylarctos plummetus, is a hoax in contemporary Australian folklore featuring a predatory, carnivorous version of the koala (Phascolarctos cinereus). This imaginary animal is commonly spoken about in tall tales designed to scare tourists.
subpar63
No good deed goes unpunished
A capitalist walked into a bar and sat down between Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders. Just then, the 10PM news came on and the lead story was of a man on a ledge of a skyscraper preparing to commit suicide.
Bernie looked at the capitalist and asked, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The capitalist replied, "I bet he will."
Alexandria and Bernie both shot back, "Well, we bet he won't."
The capitalist placed $10 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as AOC and Bernie placed their money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building. AOC and Bernie were very upset and bitterly tried handing their money to the capitalist.
With a slight smile, the capitalist said, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he’d jumped."
Alexandria replied, "Well, we did too; but we didn't think he'd do it again."
This is the reasoning of socialists: they’ve seen societies that adopt socialism die repeatedly throughout history, yet somehow cling to the idea that it won’t happen again.
Bernie looked at the capitalist and asked, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The capitalist replied, "I bet he will."
Alexandria and Bernie both shot back, "Well, we bet he won't."
The capitalist placed $10 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as AOC and Bernie placed their money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building. AOC and Bernie were very upset and bitterly tried handing their money to the capitalist.
With a slight smile, the capitalist said, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he’d jumped."
Alexandria replied, "Well, we did too; but we didn't think he'd do it again."
This is the reasoning of socialists: they’ve seen societies that adopt socialism die repeatedly throughout history, yet somehow cling to the idea that it won’t happen again.
scedd
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fukking ship?"
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fukking ship?"
sgtjunior
Well-Known Member
Three veterans die on Christmas Eve, go up to Heaven and are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says in honor of the Holy season you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get in to heaven.
An Army helo pilot fumbled through his pockets and came out with a lighter. He flicked it on and said it's a candle. St. Peter said it did give light, you may enter!
A Navy Chief reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says they're bells. St. Peter says they do have a ring to them, you may enter!
A Marine walks up and is searching desperately through his pockets and finally comes out with a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looks at the Marine with a raised eyebrow and says, "Just what do those symbolize?" He replied, "These are Carols!"
And so Lads the Christmas season begins!!
An Army helo pilot fumbled through his pockets and came out with a lighter. He flicked it on and said it's a candle. St. Peter said it did give light, you may enter!
A Navy Chief reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says they're bells. St. Peter says they do have a ring to them, you may enter!
A Marine walks up and is searching desperately through his pockets and finally comes out with a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looks at the Marine with a raised eyebrow and says, "Just what do those symbolize?" He replied, "These are Carols!"
And so Lads the Christmas season begins!!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly. Honey pack your bags. I won the freaking lottery.
Her husband said. Oh my goodness, what should I pack, mountain stuff or beach stuff?
It doesn't matter she said. Just get the **** out of here.
Her husband said. Oh my goodness, what should I pack, mountain stuff or beach stuff?
It doesn't matter she said. Just get the **** out of here.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I need your help.
I am in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me I am right.
What the hell do I do now ??
I am in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me I am right.
What the hell do I do now ??
Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
Shut up and don't smile.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed, when it occurred to him he had never made a will, so he called his lawyer to help him make his will. The following day his lawyer came, and the wealthy man said, "I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all I've taken, I should give something back."
"How generous of you," the lawyer responded. "I'll make sure it happens right away."
"I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He's been counting the days till he could get my money," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll make sure he receives 25% of it," the lawyer replied.
"I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll ensure that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It's a quite obscure request," the lawyer asked.
"I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death," the old man said...
"How generous of you," the lawyer responded. "I'll make sure it happens right away."
"I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He's been counting the days till he could get my money," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll make sure he receives 25% of it," the lawyer replied.
"I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die," the old man said.
"Okay, I'll ensure that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It's a quite obscure request," the lawyer asked.
"I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death," the old man said...
sgtjunior
Well-Known Member
sgtjunior
Well-Known Member
If People say you're fat, ignore them. You're bigger than that.
So I took off her shirt. Then she said,
"take off my shoes"
I took off her shoes.
"take off my skirt"
I took off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
So I took them off.
She then looked deeply at me and said," I don't ever want to see you ever wearing my things again."
Sex is awesome, but have you ever farted away a stomach ache?
So I took off her shirt. Then she said,
"take off my shoes"
I took off her shoes.
"take off my skirt"
I took off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
So I took them off.
She then looked deeply at me and said," I don't ever want to see you ever wearing my things again."
Sex is awesome, but have you ever farted away a stomach ache?
sgtjunior
Well-Known Member
Why is it when a baby drinks a bottle and falls asleep it's ok, but when I do it, I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently putting Alka Seltzer in my mouth and walking into speedway yelling I'm vaccinated is not OK
Why don't blind people pick up after their guide dogs? (They can't see shit)
I have to tell my new girlfriend I'm not into kinky sex, but I have to get some shit off my chest first
Apparently putting Alka Seltzer in my mouth and walking into speedway yelling I'm vaccinated is not OK
Why don't blind people pick up after their guide dogs? (They can't see shit)
I have to tell my new girlfriend I'm not into kinky sex, but I have to get some shit off my chest first