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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

subpar63

No good deed goes unpunished
A cabbie picks up a Nun. The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why he's staring and he says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a Nun." The Nun says, "I'll kiss you if you're single and Catholic." The cab driver says, "I'm both!" The Nun says, "Pull into an alley." The Nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, though, the driver starts crying. "I lied. I'm married and Jewish." The Nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
The male brain is a wonderful thing. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from the moment you're born....right up until you meet a girl with big boobs
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.
He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty dollar notes."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
The company Pfizer, which today announced the vaccine against Covid-19 soon, is the same company that created Viagra.
Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they should be much more easier too cure the living!!
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Had your Christmas Party yet, just remember these Time-Honored Truths

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I got home from taking our son to the park.
"I'm really sorry, love," I sobbed uncontrollably to the wife. "I left Sammy's jacket on the bus."
"That's ok," she laughed. "Why are you so upset?"
I replied, "Because Sammy is still in it."
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much .

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe .

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time.

The brains of older people do not get weak.

On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE

Now when I reach for a word or a name, I won't excuse myself by saying "I'm having a senior moment".

Now, I'll say, "My disk is full!"

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favourite?
 

Mach1 Driver

Active Member
favorite_s , 9, 15 and 22
Edit, jeez didn't anyone get it- if you have to explain it... there isn't any 22
 
Last edited:

JD08

Member
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favourite?
22. When someone goes in the dressing room next to yours, say, "Thank goodness, could you hand me some toilet paper? This one's all out."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Rodney wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "******* hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a soiled pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
 
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