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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
 
A teacher asks each of the kids in her class what they need at home.

Joey said, "A computer."

The teacher replied, "Yes, Joey, that would be very useful."



Jenny said, "A new lawn mower."

The teacher again replied, "Yes, Jenny, that also would be very useful."


Little Johnny popped up and said, "At my house we don't need anything!"

Shocked because Little Johnny’s family was quite poor, the teacher asked, “Johnny, your family must need something. Everyone needs something.”

Little Johnny replied, "Nope, I'm sure we don't. When Mm told Dad she was pregnant again, I clearly remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!'"
 
Paddy had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what ? '

What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're fkin bad luck..
 
Lessee...are you 87 years old?
Aussie67 posted it as #323, June 19, 2020.
 
Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?”

"For gosh sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
 
Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."
 
Guys, if you're trying to meet a cool woman, look for a gal out walking her dog.
She's active, clearly has great taste in animals AND she's already prepared to pick up sh** off the street - this is your chance:
 
My ex said "you remind me of the sea", I asked if it was because I am deep stormy and tempestuous. She said "no, you make me sick "
 
I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day.
I said, "A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car.
He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Jaguar, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Renault..."
The other coworker replied, "Really? What did he get..?"
"Ten years..!" I replied
 
I was sitting at the bus stop this morning when this midget girl took a seat next to me and started telling me the latest celebrity gossip and some interesting facts
I thought to myself, "this must be the little bird everyone gets their information from...."
 
Just as the graveside service finished there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well she's there. She is his problem now"
 
I remember the teacher said to me "The essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers"?
"Of course it is" i said. "Its the same dog"
 
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
 
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said,
"Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack,
"How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . .
NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch for chicks !!
 
As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife: "Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable." "Stop being a twat" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."
 
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour and then she hung up.
"Wow! said her Dad". That was short, you usually talk for 2 hours. What happened?.
"Wrong number", the girl replied!
 
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