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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
There is a new virus going around called 'Work'.

If you receive 'Work', from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anywhere else, do not touch 'Work' under any Circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely!

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order 3 drinks and after repeating 14 times, you will find that 'Work' has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and 'Work' already controls your whole life.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
REGRET's -- from the Hospital & Medical Staff.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs ..I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear off
I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a fucing bus!!.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says 'hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???

She looked into his eyes and said calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.......:)
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A bus load of Swedish tourists were travelling through the Australian outback when the bus broke down.......
The driver grabbed his tool kit, opened the bonnet and began tinkering with the engine.......
He had all sorts of tools, and was testing every component.....
The prettiest of the tourists was 22 year old Ingrid who claimed to be an apprentice motor mechanic from Stockholm.......
" Do you want a Screwdriver "
" We might as well Ingrid, the bus is fukked and we are going nowhere!!
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."
Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ' Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Three brothers left home for university and later in life became successful businessmen. Some years later, they chatted about their successes and discussed the gifts they could give their elderly mother who lived in another city.

Milton, the first son said, “I had a big house built for Mama”.

Marvin, the second son said, “I had an expensive theatre built in the house”.

Melvin, the third son said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible but she can’t anymore because she can’t see very well. Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it”.

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays the mother sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture anyway.

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
I had it all

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.


He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.


I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.


"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage. ”


I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? ”


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was granted parole."

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
So as I was sitting on the sofa my wife sweetly whispered. "The best part about all this is that I get to spend more time with you "...As I looked over lovingly I realised she was talking to the dog.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A 17 year-old boy came home with a brand new Jeep 4x4.
His parents look at the Jeep and ask, “Where did you get that 4x4?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new Jeep cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just $20.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for $20?” he says.

“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her 4x4 Jeep for $20.”

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly weeding the garden. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Jeep for $20 and asks to know why she did it.

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Jamaica with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your Jeep?”

“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new Jeep and send him the money. So I did.”

 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me!!.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pjama's like I asked you to Do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Thought I’d try a new gadget out. It’s a golf ball that rolls itself into the hole if it gets within six inches of it. I thought it was a good idea until I put one in my back pocket!
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A group of men & women waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,
"I want you to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their own household
"The other line for the men who were dominated by their women."
"I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their own household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line,
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have all been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God then turned to the one man,
"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied,
"My wife told me to stand here."!!
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I've sure gotten old! ...I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 
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