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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

I’ve always suffered with a bad back. Years and years. I went to the docs, please do something. He referred me to specialist.

When I saw him, he said there’s a cure in America, but it’s sixty thousand dollars. I said I don’t care I'll try anything, what’s the cure?

He said, well they inject mercury into the spine. Wow isn’t that dangerous?, I asked.

No he said, it’s safe, but there’s one drawback. In summer you’re nine foot three, and in winter you’re two foot six
 
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and took him straight to the jewellers....
 
EVER WONDER ...?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
 
The wife just challenged me to an online high-pitched sound hearing test. "The dogs are going mental but how can you still hear something?" She asked. "I'm a married man," I replied, " we're used to whiny, drawn-out, unpleasant screeching noises."
 
"Penis Van Lesbian."
Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

fd
 
All these months of doom and gloom headlines about the pandemic, wishing for that one positive headline. Something to cheer your heart and make all the isolation, queues, sanitising etc.... worthwhile and give the nation something to celebrate.
Australia's got talent cancelled until 2022. !.... That will do nicely.
 
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day, the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.

The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!"

The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
 
O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"
The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'
You wrote - 'Neither do I
 
Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.
Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor!!
 
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."
 
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbour drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbour. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbour demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
 
An Italian on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing, so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must be in management.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
 
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