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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

I just rang alcohol anonymous.....I Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they...?
 
Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA.
“I wish I could be shot into space,” he said.
“You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother!
 
When one door opens and another closes you are probably in prison.
To me drinking responsibly means don't spill any.
Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a new day. I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get the the earlier it gets late.
When I say the other day I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
When you ask what i am doing today and I say nothing it doesn't mean I'm free it means I am doing nothing.
I finally got 8 hours sleep, it took 3 days.
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, it's boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, That'll freak you out
 
A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and asks her, "Hey, you know how these whalers keep murdering our friends and family right?"

The female whale nods in agreement.

So the male whale continues, "How bout we teach those whalers lesson then?"

To which the female whale replies, "Sure, what did you have in mind?"

Upon hearing her agreement, a devilish gleam can be seen in his eyes as he explains his plan.

"Let's swim deep down under the sea where they can't see us. Then we'll emerge right under their ship and use our blow holes to capsize it. "

The female whale agrees, and they immediately spring into action. They both dive down deeper into the ocean and go completely unnoticed by the whalers. Then, slowly and meticulously, they emerge right under the ship. They then both blow as hard as they can out of their blow holes the combined air pressure topples the ship.

The whales both swim away, elated and laughing at their success with both whales yelling "yeah that'll teach them a lesson about killing whales!"

As the male whale looks back to admire the chaos they created, he notices the ship's crew swimming back to shore. This gives him an idea and a devilish smile runs across his face as he turns to ask the female whale,

"Do you know what would really teach those whalers a lesson about killing whales? Why don't we swim right up to them and gobble them all up?

To which the female whale shakes her head in disagreement and replies, "Look pal, I might have agreed to the blow job, but there ain't no way that I'm going to swallow seamen."

fd
 
There was a girl busking in town today.. Who asked.. Any Requests?
Your thong... I replied
The crowd gasped, and her friend punched me in the face!

1f914.png


I gueth thome people don't like Elton John!!
 
Aussie67 said:
There was a girl busking in town today.. Who asked.. Any Requests?
Your thong... I replied
The crowd gasped, and her friend punched me in the face!

1f914.png


I gueth thome people don't like Elton John!!
Click to expand...
I will need an English/American translation of this one?!?!
 
Here are some:
The Dictionary of Australian Speech Part # 1
AGRO Anger; angry

APPLE ISLE Another name for Tasmania

ARKAROO An aboriginal word for snake

ARVO Afternoon

AUSSIE (pronounced Ozzy) Australian

AVAGOODWEEGEND Enjoy your weekend.

BACK OF BEYOND Refers to any place that is really far away, especially places far away in the outback

BANANA BENDER Queenslander (A person from the state of Queensland)

BANANALAND Queensland

BEAUT Applied to something which is exceptional in its class

BEWDY Expression of full agreement and approval

BICKIE A dollar

BIKKIE Biscuit

BILLABONG Waterhole; backwater; pond

BILLMAREE A sickness an aborigine can get from breaking a dreamtime law or command

BILLY Tin container for boiling water to make tea

BITSER Mongrel dog

BLOKE Man

BLOODY All-purpose semi-profanity

BOBOKA Aborigine word for frog

BOOMA Wonderful ; “It was a booma of a day”

BOOMER Used to describe anything large

BOONGAREE Aborigine word for tree kangaroo

BO PEEP, TO TAKE A quick look around

BREKKY Breakfast

BRISSIE Brisbane, or someone who comes from Brisbane (Pronounced Brizzy)

BRUCE A man

BRUMBY Wild horse

BUDGIE Budgerigar; Native Australian bird; member of the parrot family {also called Grass Parakeet}

BULULKIYA Aborigine term used to describe any place inhabited by unseen spirits or supernatural creatures

BUNYIP Mythical creature inhabiting billabongs

fd
 
FordDude said:
Here are some:
The Dictionary of Australian Speech Part # 1
AGRO Anger; angry

APPLE ISLE Another name for Tasmania

ARKAROO An aboriginal word for snake

ARVO Afternoon

AUSSIE (pronounced Ozzy) Australian

AVAGOODWEEGEND Enjoy your weekend.

BACK OF BEYOND Refers to any place that is really far away, especially places far away in the outback

BANANA BENDER Queenslander (A person from the state of Queensland)

BANANALAND Queensland

BEAUT Applied to something which is exceptional in its class

BEWDY Expression of full agreement and approval

BICKIE A dollar

BIKKIE Biscuit

BILLABONG Waterhole; backwater; pond

BILLMAREE A sickness an aborigine can get from breaking a dreamtime law or command

BILLY Tin container for boiling water to make tea

BITSER Mongrel dog

BLOKE Man

BLOODY All-purpose semi-profanity

BOBOKA Aborigine word for frog

BOOMA Wonderful ; “It was a booma of a day”

BOOMER Used to describe anything large

BOONGAREE Aborigine word for tree kangaroo

BO PEEP, TO TAKE A quick look around

BREKKY Breakfast

BRISSIE Brisbane, or someone who comes from Brisbane (Pronounced Brizzy)

BRUCE A man

BRUMBY Wild horse

BUDGIE Budgerigar; Native Australian bird; member of the parrot family {also called Grass Parakeet}

BULULKIYA Aborigine term used to describe any place inhabited by unseen spirits or supernatural creatures

BUNYIP Mythical creature inhabiting billabongs

fd
Click to expand...
That's pretty good mate. I once worked with an American design engineer and he had to create his own dictionary. At the end of a conversation you would see him updating his translation book. Until then, I had always thought we spoke the same as everywhere else.
 
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The teacher was telling the kids about the Birds and the Bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest in Heaven.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher,
"Are you sure about the Stork bit, Miss..?
"Cos I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ Shag in Scarborough!!
 
Mildred the church gossip and self appointed monitor of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other peoples business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake however when she accused Frank, a new member of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pick up parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there "Would know exactly what he was doing".

Frank a man of few words stared at her for a moment and just turned away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing,

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pick up in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.....

You gotta love Frank
 
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
 
Husband: When I get mad at you , you never fight back. How do you control your anger ?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help ?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
 
Devil in Church

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.
Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’
 
A brunette goes to see her doctor and explains that she has a very serious problem. "You see doctor, my entire body hurts." she says. She then proceeded to touch all over body, saying ouch! every time.

The doctor sits back in his chair, rubs his chin and then says, "you're not naturally a brunette are you?"

"Well no, I'm naturally a blond", the woman admits. "I dyed my hair because of all the stereotyping that goes with being blond. Why do you ask?"

"You have a broken finger", replies the doctor.
 
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
 
A group of Irish lads are out in Spain on holidays..
On one of their nights out they encountered a young man from Dublin.
He was so drunk that he could hardly stand.
The lads asked him his name and he said; "Phillip Maguire."
The lads told him; " It's not safe being here on your own. We are going to look after you! "
So for the rest of the holiday the lads looked after Phillip.
He was filled with booze day in and day out.
Philip tried to explain something to them but the lads just said; " Dont you worry pal, you are in good hands! We are going to look after and make sure that you have a great holiday."
When the holiday was over the lads took Phillip back with them.
"Which part of Dublin are you from?" They asked him.
"Ballyfermot! "He muttered.
So they headed to Ballyfermot and went to the address that Phillip had given them.
When they arrived one of the lads went to check it it was the correct address.
He went up to the door and rang the bell.
A woman answered; " Hello, can I help you?"
"Yes! " The lad answered; "I was wondering is this the home of Philip Maguire?"
" Why yes it is. But he's not here. He is over in Spain on his honeymoon...!"
 
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