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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Chance Supermarket Encounter

Woman: “Hi there!”

Man: “Do you know me?”

Woman: “I think you’re the father of one of my kids!”

Man: “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

Woman: “No. I’m your son’s teacher.”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A drunkard was brought to court for drunken behaviour.

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
 
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Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer.

Cause I'm not going to listen to a f*&^%ing drunk talking to themselves.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I pointed towards two old drunks sitting across the table in the bar

and told my friend "We'll be like that in another 10 years"

He said "That's a mirror you idiot!"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the world and that he needs to go get them. His wife, although mad, understands that a sailor is a sailor and mistakes happen and decides to support Stan and raise all 6 children.

Stan leaves and gets back in a couple of days with his children from around the world.

He finds his wife sitting alone in the dining room. "Where are the kids?" he asks. "Call them to come meet their new brothers".

I'm sorry, Stan, three sailors came and took them...
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Picked up a hitch-hiker today.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
 

subpar63

No good deed goes unpunished
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.

She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"

"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Not so much a joke, more like Observations…

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me there.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.................

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

fd
 
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