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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one of the old folks, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

fd
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s chosen term was "political correctness". The winning student wrote:"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I slept with my head under the pillow last night and when I woke up this morning, all my teeth were gone! Fecking tooth fairy.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte and then everything crashed.
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
“That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said.
“Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?”
At first she declined.
But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts.
He started grunting and jumping up and down.
“Hey,” the husband said, “let’s really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.”
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas!
He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
“Now,” said the husband, “tell that motherfucker you have a headache!”

fd
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Secrets to Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without alcohol.

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it,

Piss on it and walk away

fd
 

jims6t6

Well-Known Member
Circus Job
Auditioning for a job at a circus were a young man and a young woman.
The woman said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”
The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
 
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