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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Two polar bears, a father and son, are walking around in the Arctic. The son looks at the father and says, ”Dad, I've got a question. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?”
The father looks at his son and says, “Yes son, you're 100% polar bear”
“OK” the son says.
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: “Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?”
The father again says, “Yes son, you’re 100% polar bear”
“OK” says the son.
About 30 min later the son says, “OK dad, be serious. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear. Are You sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me?”
“Yes son you're 100% polar bear. I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?”
The son says, “Well I don’t know about you but I am bloody freezing”​
 
When Neil Armstrong did his moon walk as he was climbing up the ladder to the capsule, he stopped halfway and turned towards the earth and said, good luck Mr. Gorski.
When they arrived back on earth NASA asked him what he meant when he said that. I can't tell you that Neil replied.
For years every time he did a interview he would get asked the same question and always give the same answer.
One day in Dallas, Texas he once again was asked that question. Well, he said, I can now answer that question because Mr. Gorski has passed.
Many years ago my mate Billy and I were playing baseball in the backyard and Billy hit a flyball which landed in the neighbours, Mr and Mrs Gorski's yard right under their bedroom window. As I picked up the ball I could hear Mrs. Gorski yelling, Blow job, blow job. You'll get a blow job when the kid next door walks on the freken moon!
 
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."​
 
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. “We’ve started something new,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers.”
“Lawyers?” questioned her colleague. “But we’ve always used rats.”
“Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.”​
 
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Tootsie, Joni, Jan, Bonnie, Judy and Muffy.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'​
 
British Airways Flight Announcement:
Captain: "Ladies and gentlemen, weather’s clear- just relax and... OH MY GOD!"
[Dead silence]
Captain: "Apologies! A flight attendant just spilled coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Irish Passenger from the Back:
"FOR THE LUVVA JAYSUS, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK O’ MINE!"
 
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.

Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh ****, I'm on the wrong bus!​
 
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." "
We're not Bapdist because they dunk all of you."
"We're not Methadiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Pisscopalians.​
 
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?" The old rancher replies, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." (as he points at one of his fields ). The FBI agent snaps at him, "I'm a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With this, he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the rancher's face. The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier. Suddenly, he sees the FBI agent sprinting toward him with a large bull hot on his heels. The rancher rushes to the fence and yells:
"Your badge! Show him your badge!"
 
A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
 
Buddy and his friend Tom went out hunting and since this was Tom’s first time ever he was following Buddy’s lead.
Buddy saw a small herd of deer and told Tom to stay right where he was and to be really quiet.
After a few minutes, Buddy heard a loud scream.
He ran back and asked Tom what had happened.
Tom said “There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream", Buddy asked, exasperated.
“Well,” Tom continued, “two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, “Should we take them home or eat ’em now?”
 
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of another of America's best bikes.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
 
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

I Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.​
 
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