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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What’s your business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I’m sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
The Hereafter​

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.”
She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”
“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise."
“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’
 
I was looking out of my window last night and was horrified to see a crowd of people surrounding a crashed motorcyclist.
I went down and yelled " coming through coming through "
A bloke at the front said " thank God are you a doctor?"
I said " No that's my pizza "
 
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but sometimes the weisenheimer gene kicks in. I was sitting in my car at the speaker at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning - taking maybe a little long to give them my culinary instructions.
It’s not that my grey hairs are now exceeding the black ones (maybe more salt than pepper); it’s that I was ordering a fairly large quantity as I was taking breakfast to one of our customer’s office. Suddenly a young twenty-something lady behind me in a little convertible BMW leans on her horn..!!

She starts mouthing something I couldn’t make out, but had something to do with either my intelligence, my ethnicity, my affinity for curling - I don’t know, maybe it was all three…Through all this, she was flailing her arms about possibly telling me “I’m #1”, or that she was slaughtering my prized yak. I don’t know. This was all simply because I was taking too long to place my order. Conscious of the delay I was causing, I wrapped up as quickly as possible and gave her a little friendly wave.

Aware that I had inconvenienced this young lady so greatly, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own - it seemed like the right way to handle the situation. The cashier must have told her what I had done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you."
She even gave me the two-hands together heart gesture you see all the Instagram girls doing. She was obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second pickup window I showed the McDonalds worker both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again…!!!
 
Well today marks eight months without drinking a drop of juice, fizzy drinks or any alcohol. Eight months without eating bread, pasta, cake or anything sweet. Sugar has been eliminated, as has caffeine. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I have lost loads of weight and my way of thinking is very positive. No alcohol, eating extremely healthily and above all, a couple of hours of exercise daily! I don't know whose status this is, but I was so flamin happy for them, I copied and pasted it!
 
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
My dad was one of those guys who ascribed to the belief that you learnt by DOING things, not from books, studying or courses. So every Saturday, he would take me to the swimming pool and throw me directly in the water, so he could ‘learn’ CPR.
 
Aussie67 said:
My dad was one of those guys who ascribed to the belief that you learnt by DOING things, not from books, studying or courses. So every Saturday, he would take me to the swimming pool and throw me directly in the water, so he could ‘learn’ CPR.
Click to expand...
My father said the same thing about teaching me to swim. It really wasn't that hard once I got out of the bag.
 
I just phoned to see if my poor old Mom had got home alright from shopping, after today's torrential downpour. My dad answered and said, "Yes, she's just come in absolutely drenched, shall I put her on the line?" I said, "No, let her dry out by the fire."
 
Three Nuns
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"At first, I wanted to trash them too, but after giving it a little thought, I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun fainted.
 
Veteran rockers Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry were arrested earlier today after breaking into an animal shelter over night and releasing all the Doberman pinschers. Police say that now have evidence that The Who let the dogs out
 
Aussie67 said:
Veteran rockers Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry were arrested earlier today after breaking into an animal shelter over night and releasing all the Doberman pinschers. Police say that now have evidence that The Who let the dogs out
Click to expand...
That could be the makings of a new Abbott and Costello joke, with the Who on first and the dogs on second.
 
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