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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

"Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?""




My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

fd
 
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.
 
I'm saying goodbye to stangfix for a little while.

My wife says I'm on the fix every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice.

So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.
 
My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t........

So I went…..

I saw my dad.
 
A minister died and was standing in line in front of St. Peter. He was waiting to be judged and hopefully, admitted to Heaven.

St. Peter called up the man in front of the minister and asked what he did in his life. The man said, "I was a taxi driver in New York City."

St. Peter looked down at a book in front of him. As he read through the information, he nodded approvingly. St. Peter looked up and said, “Yes! Very good! You can go into heaven.” He handed the cabbie a silk robe and a golden staff and let him pass into heaven.

Next, the minister was called up. St. Peter asked him what he did in life. He said, “I was a minister.”

St. Peter looked down at his book. He remained stoic as he read. Then he looked up and said, “Yes. You can go into heaven.” St. Peter handed the minister a cotton robe and a wooden staff.

The minister was concerned and said to St. Peter, "That guy ahead of me was a taxi driver. He got a silk robe and a golden staff! I spent my life as a minister and get a cotton robe and a wooden staff? How can that be?"

St. Peter replied, "We judge on results. Your parishioners slept through your sermons. In his taxi, they prayed."
 
An elderly woman called 999 on her phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
 
A week ago my Mother in Law started reading "The Exorcist" but could not finish it stating it was the most evil book she had ever read.

She actually went to the pier and threw it in the ocean.

I bought another copy, soaked it in the sink, then left it on her bed.

I believe I am going to Hell.
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right b*tt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
This literally just happened. My wife is very quick witted. I brought the mail in and one of the packages was addressed to her. I use her Amazon account, so everything coming from there is addressed to her. She opened the box, studied it for a moment and closed the lid so I couldn't see inside. She opened it again, took another look, closed it, and asked if I ordered pasties? By now she was grinning, and handed me the box.
It was 3" roloc 180 grit sanding discs. She didn't know what they were, but knew they didn't belong to her.
 
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

fd
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
Her son comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

He's a little teed off - but goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either..

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
 
Redneck book of manners.....
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT


1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.


3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'


3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.


2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.


3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.


4. Though uncomfortable, say 'Yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.


2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.


3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.


4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.


5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle .


6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

fd
 
This actually happened to me,

"3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time."

I asked a mom once what time to bring home her daughter (Friday evening) and she said in time for school Monday.
 
FordDude said:
Redneck book of manners.....
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT


1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.


3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'


3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.


2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.


3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.


4. Though uncomfortable, say 'Yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.


2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.


3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.


4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.


5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle .


6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

fd
Click to expand...

"DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)"

LMFAO
 
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "Bastards won't let me fart."
 
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