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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love of Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."​
 
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the court says, "You b*stard."
The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You b*stard."
The judge says, "We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you. What is the problem?"
The man at the back of the court says, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
 
For weeks have been trying to get an appointment with my Doctor.
Finally I saw him Today, dropped my pants and showed him the nasty rash on my baxxs.
But he ignored me and continued pushing his shopping trolley around Costco.
 
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said,…
“I had to walk home.”​
 
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John was given a parrot as a gift, but it wasn’t your average bird. This parrot had an attitude as bad as its language. Every squawk it made was rude, offensive, and laced with profanity. Determined to reform the unruly bird, John tried everything. He spoke in calm and polite tones, played soothing music, and spent hours encouraging better behaviour. Yet, no matter what he did, the parrot’s behavior remained as outrageous as ever.

One day, after another round of vile squawking, John finally snapped. He yelled at the parrot, but the bird only yelled back, louder and nastier. Frustrated, John picked up the parrot and gave it a shake, hoping to scare it into better manners. Instead, the parrot became even more furious and offensive. Out of options, John decided on a drastic measure. He opened the freezer, placed the squawking parrot inside, and shut the door. At first, the parrot’s protests were deafening, it squawked, kicked, and screamed. But then, abruptly, there was silence.

John panicked. What if he’d gone too far and hurt the bird? He quickly opened the freezer. To his surprise, the parrot stepped out calmly onto his arm, a completely changed creature. In a composed and respectful tone, the parrot said, “I realize my behaviour has been unacceptable. I sincerely apologize for my rudeness and promise to be polite and respectful from now on.”

John was dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe the transformation. Just as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, the parrot leaned in and whispered, “By the way… what did the turkey do?"​
 
I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and fecking freezing. I barely slept a wink. In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a s**t night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house.

When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...
HANNAH, WILL YOU MA...
I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...
...KE ME A SAMMICH?​
 
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."​
 
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!​
 
A woman visited a psychic many of her friends recommended.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?​
 
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